Me Morphing Myself

I turn 37 today. I read in the New World Encyclopedia that insect growth and metamorphosis are controlled by hormones synthesized by endocrine glands near the front of the body. I wonder, is a person’s desire to transform oneself controlled by hormones as well? Thus, the changes one undergoes when one reaches midlife, or nears midlife - a stage when hormonal levels lose their seeming steadiness achieved after overcoming the teen years?

I ask these because I have been contemplating on them since June, roughly two months before I turn 37. The age thirty-seven marks moving to a new demographic category. I am no longer in my mid-thirties. Starting today, August 1, I am already tagged as someone in her late thirties. Although the common saying connected with midlife is “Life begins at 40,” I am starting to feel that my hormones may already be playing me up towards midlife.

For example, I already feel not-so-young (okay, “a-little-bit-old” may be more apt), with my joints cracking when I get up, with backpains becoming more frequent, with memory lapses now and then. The woman in the mirror is no longer the Faye in my mind, although I still cherish the spiderlines beside my eyes and the laughlines on both sides of my mouth. The lines reveal my age, but they also represent the happy smiles and boisterous laughter I threw around with my loved ones and my friends. Yes, I am getting old; but who isn’t? Even my five-year-old daughter, Luce, is turning a year older later this month. She used to be this wee-bit baby, and now she’s grown. And I used to be this young woman, and now I’m older; but still a woman who loves herself, enough to undertake activities to keep her on the go. Yes, it’s true, I am undergoing pre-midlife transformation.

I have recently taken some steps to achieve pre-midlife transformation.

First, I underwent leg peeling treatment.

Physical transformation is the easiest way of changing oneself. It is something shown by the person undergoing transformation, something seen by the others around him or her. A new look could entail superficial changes like a new hairstyle, a darker shade of blush, a thicker mascara, a different outfit. Or it may call on more physical changes like vampier boobs and fuller hips, or defined biceps and a six-pack abs. But when I decided to experience change in myself, I thought of getting rid of the ugly dark spots in my legs as these have been hounding me for ten years.

The leg peeling treatment was a novel experience for me, not having tried it before. Around mid-June, my husband and I were scouting for a clinic in SM Marikina which would remove his facial warts. I remember teasing him that he’s getting older since he’s starting to show numerous age spots. Little did I know that I would actually be the one contemplating on my age and on undergoing changes in order to look better. The experience was made easier by the presence of my husband.

There we were, husband and wife lying beside separate beds, him having his warts cauterized and I having my leg scars peeled-off. The clinic had a sterile atmosphere, the silence broken by soft music coming from the centralized sound system. It would have been a sad solitary experience if not for the company of my dear, slightly-getting-old, aiming-to-be-wart-free Mahal. After the first visit, I had to go back to the clinic the next day and the day after that. In each visit, the process was the same. The clinic staff applied a certain type of acid solution, of which the exact name escapes my memory, around my thighs and legs. First in front, then I had to lie facing down, then the back. This was done three times each visit, with each visit lasting an hour.

The night of my first application, I had to focus on a vision of scar-free legs to prevent myself from scratching them. These have become itchy due to the acid applied on the skin. Fortunately for me, the itchiness eventually subsided. After the last application, my legs started to look a bit leathery, with a thin film of medication covering my skin. It felt like chicken skin minus the protruding pores. It was like wearing a very flimsy and slightly loose stockings.

The peeling process took place around ten days later. It started on top of my right foot, and then the left. A small patch of skin fell off my thigh, then my leg. Another patch here, another one there. Sometimes the patch would be a size of a ten-centavo coin, sometimes a five-peso one. I felt like a snake molting, although the process was in bits and pieces.

A month later, my legs and thighs sported new skin, and my scars have lightened. Indeed, I had a physical transformation, literally new skin for me.

And so, for my first step in pre-midlife transformation, I underwent a physical one – undergoing leg peeling treatment.

Next, I attended a writing workshop.

Writing has always been a favored activity for me. Since my youth, I have looked at writing as my means of expressing myself. I would write daily entries in my diaries or long letters to friends. I would write poems to describe my youthful foray in romance, or essays to capture my views on certain things. At present, I feel lucky for having writing as my work. My current writing may border on the technical, yet I still see it as an activity which involves introspection. Yes, writing could be a spiritual activity. My current pieces may be about programs or projects; but when I write them, I have to look into myself, to ask myself for the message I want to put across, to consider the tone and style by which I will relay my message. Indeed, the act of writing could be likened to a spiritual retreat, where one looks into one’s being, into one’s soul, in order to understand the self better.

Thus, in my journey of pre-midlife transformation, I enrolled myself in a class on Writing Online Workshop. The Workshop was offered by the Filipinas Heritage Library, and was facilitated by award-winning writer Luis Katigbak. The first of three sessions started around the time my legs started peeling. There were thirteen or fourteen in the class, meeting with Luis for three hours on one Tuesday and two Thursdays, from six to nine in the evening. The workshoppers were a mixed bunch of several freelance writers, a businessman, an accountant, an engineer, a couple of PLDT employees, another couple of Bible Society staffers, an abstractor, a mother who just resigned from a job she has been doing for twenty years, a publisher, a reader who wants to be a writer, and me.

We discussed blogging in Day 1, then web design in Day 2, then online writing as a means of earning money in Day 3. The fee included workshop materials plus food and drinks. The food became heavier as our writing exercises became deeper as well. The first session saw us eating biscuits and muffins, when we tried writing a possible title for a pre-written blog entry. The next session showed us partaking pizza slices, when we tried coming up with features for hypothetical websites. The last session presented cake eaters out of the workshoppers, when we tried writing introductory paragraphs for a blog entry, and on a deeper level, when we came up with life statements.

The workshop challenged me to resume my personal writing, to open myself more, to start blogging. I am not the traditionally spiritual person who frequents Sunday masses, but I came out of the writing workshop refreshed, akin to someone who underwent spiritual retreat.

And so, for my second step in pre-midlife transformation, I underwent a spiritual one – attending a writing workshop.

Lastly, I finished a short course in speech.

I have heard that public speaking is the greatest fear of mankind, second is death. It really is hard to speak in public, especially in a language which may not be one’s first. One is conscious of the delivery, the accent, the grammar, the frills of speaking. Even when one speaks the contents of his or her heart, he or she still fears that the packaging may ruin the message. But one must learn how to speak well, for speaking is a social activity one cannot escape.

Therefore, to cap off my pre-midlife transformation, I availed of a promo of the American Institute for English Proficiency. I signed-in for the C3 Promo, a twenty-hour module focused on critical thinking, confidence building, and conversation fluency. Since it is a promo, I had to take the first class schedule, the 8-10 morning session. The schedule itself is already a challenge for me, since I live in Marikina City, and a two-hour commute to Makati City entails early early early morning preparations. However, I wanted to improve my speaking skills, to meet new people, to make new friends.

Thus, the Monday after the last session of our Writing Online Workshop, I saw myself getting up much earlier than usual, leaving Marikina and reaching Makati before heavy traffic began, and meeting Carmen our facilitator and M my lone sessionmate. I learned about the five elements: introduction, point 1, point 2, point 3, and conclusion. The introduction-body-conclusion is nothing new to me, since I have practiced this template outline way back my high school days of answering essay questions. (I could still remember the usual question: In five sentences, discuss such and such. My standard answer would be thus: first sentence would be a repetition of the question or a statement of my answer, the second to fourth sentences would be my explanation in defense of my answer, then the fifth sentence would be a concluding sentence repeating my first.)

However, I appreciated the critique at the end of each speech delivery. Those times that I was described as having a monotonous tone, I have to admit that I actually bored myself as I was speaking in front of the class. Those times that I was described as having done well, I actually felt good while delivering my speech.

As I improved in my delivery, I gained confidence in speaking in English. And my sessionmates have increased as well. I met E and R who had been returning students of AIEP, both with foreign sweethearts, thus their interest in improving their oral English skills. There was G who eventually went aboard his ship to Europe. And L who speaks fast and L who shares her personal experiences so well. Aside from my fellow Filipinos, there were also my foreign sessionmates who gave me the additional opportunity to practice my English further. Of course, there was M from Japan, whose speech on foreign domestic helpers gave me a different perspective. F from Iran, who was initially shy then grew more confident each session. C and H, the siblings from Korea, whom I met only once. Lastly, there was S from China, who looked technical at first and then eventually had personal stories to share.

To facilitate our sessions, we had Carmen as our Specialist – Car who was not ashamed to share that she turned 39 last July 12; Car who gave excellent sample speeches, making me wish I can also speak as confidently as she does; Car who runs and bikes, inspiring me to finally hit the gym (which I did for the first time after her birthday speech last July 13).

I enrolled in the C3 promo with the aim of learning and eventually mastering its three components. At the end of my twenty hours, I ended up with friends whom I will remain in contact with. It was indeed a social activity for me, an opportunity to practice my English inside the Institute and even beyond its walls.

And so, for my third step in pre-midlife transformation, I underwent a social one – finishing a short course in speech.

I am shedding my old self and I look forward to seeing the new me. I now bid goodbye to some scars, literally and figuratively, in order to uncover the real me. I started with a leg peeling treatment, followed by a writing workshop, and then a speech course. By the time my legs have been scrubbed clean of dermal debris, I have finally transformed a few ideas into several written pieces, and with enough confidence to pitch my written work to others. Doing these is a good metamorphosis as I turn 37.

It takes courage to plan to transform oneself. It takes greater courage to actually undergo processes to transform oneself. A monarch butterfly takes just 30 to 40 days to complete its life cycle, to metamorphose from a young caterpillar into an adult butterfly. Humanity is fortunate to be given more days, more years, to constantly transform oneself, to change oneself for the better, to reveal a new being. At 37, I feel like I’m in 7th heaven!